Peter, I can see from your "about me" that you've been going through a hard time. All I can say is this is the point where you need to reach out to every person in your real, face-to-face life that cares about you and start reconnecting. Please. Human to human, you're lost right now and you need someone else to help you find your way back, I think.
It isn't going to be someone on the screen explaining these things you're asking about, it is going to be someone who knew you pre-2018. Please don't give up on reconnecting.