I was born in a country where the gender roles are more traditional: the man works and makes money, while the woman stays with the kids. This is how my family was, my mom was a housewife while my father was a business owner. It changed when we migrated to a more "liberal" country, and due to necessity, my mom started to work, although she always dedicated more time to the kids.
I lived in many places, and been in different relationships, and most of them were more of a "50-50" kind of relationships, due to cultural norms, even though I almost always paid more for household. However, I always though that the more "correct" way to live, is in a traditional relationship. And I don't what to get into the philosophy of "Why".
Today, my wife and I are planning to have children. We are in an "equal" relationship, even though I contribute more to our household expenses. My wife is career oriented. We discussed it, and I'm ready to take any responsibility that will be needed in order to support our family (during maternity leave, or if she decided to not come back to the workforce). I want her to be a mom and spend more time with the children, I don't want her to give up her career, but I believe it should be second to children. She can't commit to no pursuing her career, and this scares me.
ASK HN: I know this community is diverse in terms of culture, and at the same time has people who are related to technology, like myself. I wonder what is your family arrangement: does your spouse work? Is it a demanding career? Are they a stay-at-home parent?
The reason I ask is that I'm confused. As I said I was raised with one model in head, but was exposed to other models throughout my teenage and adulthood years, and on top of all that, the internet polluted my brain with family-values that I no longer know what the truth. So I'd like to get some real insight.
My father worked, my mother was a housewife.
Her father worked, her mother was a housewife.
We married knowing our values were pretty aligned on this. My wife worked until we had children, but dropped her career when the children arrived. She struggled a bit with the decision, but I let her make it without pushing her too much. It's a big decision and I didn't want to risk any unnecessary resentment. But I probably would have pushed if she had shown stronger signs of wanting to keep the career (possibly after a predictably-challenging trial period).
Ideally you would have been on the same page on this before marrying. You'll both need a bit of honesty, empathy and compromise for this one.
(BTW, ignore the "I don't see this marriage lasting" guy. What you make of your marriage is up to you and your wife, not us internet randos. Best of luck!)
But that’s the crux of the issue. That is exactly what you have to discuss. What you call a “traditional” relationship is nothing more than what you saw when you were a child in your part of the world.
There is nothing that makes that way of living more “correct” than any other. You’re just used to it. Had you seen any other model growing up, that’s what you would’ve thought to be correct.
> We are in an "equal" relationship
I don’t believe you are. I don’t even believe you honestly think you are. You use the word in quotes and couldn’t even finish the sentence without a “but”.
> I want her to be a mom and
Everything in there is you, you, you. What you want, what you think is right, I doesn’t acknowledge what she wants. Saying you don’t want her to give up her career doesn’t count, that is still focused on what you feel.
She is not just your wife, she’s her own person with her own thoughts and feelings and her own value. Money isn’t everything, and this idea that being “the provider” somehow has more value is absolutely wrong.
If you’re planning to have children but see it as her primary role to take care of them, you should just not have them at all. Kids are new humans. If you want them, care for them and be equally invested, don’t relegate your wife to the role of babysitter.
Check Andrew Solomon’s “New Family Values” and “Far from the Tree” to reexamine your notions of what a loving equal family is.
https://andrewsolomon.com/articles/newsletter-new-family-val...
It scares you that a woman might want to pursue work that might make her feel happy or is otherwise rewarding? It scares you.
What's the weather like there in the 1950s where you seem to live?
Your wife is a human being with thoughts and feelings and experience just as fully fledged and valid as your own. She doesn’t want to be shoved into a traditional role box. If you try it, she will only resent you. If she doesn’t capitulate, it sounds like you will resent her.
Maybe couples therapy would help, but I don’t see this marriage lasting.
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To answer your question: I don’t have and will never have a wife. My mom had a career. So did both my grandmothers and all my aunts. My brother’s wife is the primary breadwinner for their family.
Most of them did a fantastic job raising their children (and where they stumbled it had everything to do with character flaws and nothing to do with career).
Kids need to know they’re loved. Unconditionally. By both parents. That’s it. Your wife having a career will not have any negative impact on their development.
So why do you feel so threatened by the idea of your wife maintaining her career? If you really want equality in your relationship and you’re concerned your kids won’t get enough hands-on caregiving, perhaps you should consider sacrificing your own career instead of hers?
How does that suggestion feel? Now put yourself in her shoes — that’s how she feels when you suggest it to her.