How to learn to be good at conversations with anyone?

Just something to consider: are you sure it's entirely you? And that you actually want to small-talk? I'm socially fluent and, at least when in the mood, can chat and bullshit about most things at length. But I don't like to most of the time. I'm socially awkward, avoidant. And if you started chatting with me at work after about 30 seconds of pleasantries, unless I really like you, I'm trying to figure out the escape hatch to the conversation.

Anyway. Let the other person pick the conversation direction. Ask follow up questions, clarifications. Even try a quick guess what happened (even when you know it's wrong) ahead of time so your misconceptions can be deconstructed by them. That often starts a further conversation. Let their mind wander, not yours, when you're looking for something to talk about. (You have lots of things you'd like to talk about but presumably you have no idea if they find it interesting. By letting them take the lead, you at least know if they wanted to bring it up!)

Maybe try loosening up if you tend to hold back. E.g. a little more off the beaten track, maybe something strange or weird (but hopefully not disturbing or alarming) happen to you recently? Tell a story about it.

> How to get myself better at conversing?

I am going to give some conventional, but unconventional advice.

I am being totally serious about this: If you are fat lose weight and if you are skinny gain muscle, get some clothes that look nice (that means that they aren't baggy or shoddy). Make sure your hair looks like someone cared about it.

That might sound like dating advice, but I am serious about it being advice about being better at conversations. People are as interested in talking to you as they are interested in what you have to offer. People who look good have something to offer before you even open your mouth and so people will be more interested in talking to you. Looking good is a form of self respect and people prefer people who respect themselves.

If you don't believe me, do it empirically, I promise you it matters a lot. If you are an absolute cave troll, you can go from being invisible to being a real human.

After that: do stuff. Don't say no to invites. It doesn't matter what you do too much as long as it's not staring into the HN/reddit abyss or jiggling your dopamine switch with computer games (or the bad drugs).

Lastly as far as mindset goes remember: "I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time." That is self forgiveness in a nutshell. If you hate on yourself or start feeling sorry for yourself, remember that.

Also remember that "if I am comfortable that means I am not growing." You will not get better at conversing with people without being uncomfortable, so do things that make you uncomfortable. When you take a risk and it doesn't pay off, remember you're paying the price for when it eventually does pay off.

If you want a tactic, work at remembering people's name, and for every person who's name you know, ask them how their day was as soon as you see them and don't accept a 3 word response. As this interaction is repeated, you start to understand who a person is and you can ask them about the current events in their life and more importantly the drama.

If you want people to think you're interesting, make them feel interesting.

Engage your curiosity. Investigate their systems. Probe their interests.

Everybody loves good questions :)

Ask questions about how they spend their time. Be curious. Find interesting lanes in a boring topic. Pay compliments. Figure out what they're better at than you, and ask questions about that. Ask if they know any interesting people.

Take a job in a dive bar and you'll be really good at this in about a month.

Edit: learn and use their name.

I would discount the “anyone” part. A good conversation requires the other person being a decent conversationalist as well. With that said I think with practice and self-awareness anyone can improve their conversation skills.

Have you read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie[^1]? I know the title makes the book sound like a cheap hack but trust me, it's an excellent book and IMHO everyone should read it.

You'll find lots of food for thought around conversations and why some people are great conversationalists.

[^1]: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_...

I think all the methods of improv work: do not say no, but add to the conversation. You also need to take the lead if the conversation stalls, to be genuinely interested in the other person, and to make yourself a bit vulnerable, before most people open up.