I'm guessing if there was a book written for the scientific or engineering parent this would be the place to find it.
Any ideas?
She's a professor of economics and her main shtick is that she evaluates the academic literature behind a lot of the big decisions facing new parents during pregnancy and early childhood. Personally the parts I found most useful are areas where people have extremely strong opinions about what parents should do while in reality the data is too weak to justify any strong views.
Her first book, Expecting Better, is mostly about pregnancy. Her second book, Cribsheet, is about early childhood (through pre-K).
She also started doing a newsletter recently that I've been enjoying. https://emilyoster.substack.com/
Things you should be aware of like Terrible Twos, which is the age where they want agency over the world and try all kinds of behavior to see what they can impact.
In the early stages, you should also be aware that sleeping is a skill. Many babies don't learn it properly. Many kids fall asleep because of coddling and such, and can't figure out how sleep without that routine. There's a lot of advice, about how to put your baby to sleep based on this principle. Ignore half of it and figure out what works for you.
There will be lots of crying and sleepless nights. Babies who sleep late are tired. They don't get enough sleep. Then they can't sleep because they're too tired to sleep. And it's a nasty cycle. Try not to bring your baby out at nights unless absolutely possible.
In general, what works for us is treating them as newbie humans. Instead of spanking or forcing them, try to convince them. Sometimes this means letting them get hurt. But do it in a harmless way, like letting them bite a raw onion when you told them not to, or touch a hot-but-not-scalding bowl of soup.
They will imitate what others do, especially their ages and their parents. Put them in good company. Every child is a different human; a big part of it is nature. So never compare your child with another. You'll see some babies with egos, some are kind-hearted, some are stubborn, some are selfish, some are violent.
The good manuals are probably those with instructions, and not so much those with psychology. It's a bit like diets in that sense (both the good and bad). Good luck and congratulations!
Read Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. The chapter on sleep cycles is important.
Child proof your place now, you won't have time later.
Do not let the child sleep in your bed.
Always keep a pack of the next size up diapers on hand.
Kids cloths seem to run small. They also outgrow stuff super fast. Don't buy too much of one size.
Cribs all have to meet safety standards, so don't overspend.
You are only going to have time for one hobby if you are lucky, so make that choice now which one it will be.
Read to your child as much as you can.
Sure you will have to Google shit like how many bananas are ok for a toddler daily, and talk to nurses, doctors, other parents but don't treat your baby like the equivalent of your new company's kubernetes cluster (a horrible engineering problem to figure out).
See, all babies are different. This will be your baby and guess what, the baby is the manual, so read it. In the meantime relax and enjoy your current life one last time.
* Plan on getting about 4 hours of sleep per night at first. Sleep where you can find it and avoid stimulants.
* Your female delivery counterpart (I don't know your relationship status) will suddenly realize this is her new life: locked between a child, obligations, and without a swimsuit model body. Depression and self-doubt will follow. You have to be a team player even without sufficient sleep.
* Infants require a lot of time constantly and are tiring. Think of this as having a full time job that pays money with great reassurance and respect. Then you come home to another job that costs money, is extremely tiring, and is filled with risk.
* Getting refridgerated breast milk the right temperature at feeding time is far more time consuming and challenging than you could possibly imagine.
* Your 2 door sports car is now a hinderence. Trade it in for anything with 4 doors and excellent suspension.
* Your 1 bedroom apartment won't work. If you already have a child your two bedroom apartment is a struggle.
* If you are an extrovert your days of late night social activies and parties are over. First of all you will be too tired for any of that nonsense. Secondly, it becomes such a low priority its simply not worth the effort.
* Prepare to enjoy life as a secluded homebody. Going out to movies and fancy dinners is a nightmare.
* Hopefully you have been saving money. Everything in life just become more expensive, except car insurance.
* Get a cat. Cat fur greatly contributes to dust and all the problems that with that which is great for strengthening the immune response of small children.
* Family will give you gifts. Figuring out where to put all that stuff can be a real challenge.
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There are a lot of benefits too:
* Children are great for self-reflecting upon your time management and money management skills.
* Children are a solid performance gauge of whether you are a narcissist or are humble.
* Having children completely recenters your perception of the world in a way you cannot understand otherwise.
1. Avoid the 'What to Expect' series at all costs. It's popular, but it's utter bullshit. We can name a half dozen parent friends who threw theirs away too.
2. Read Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child.
But these are just guides; there is no manual. Unlike technology, no two children are alike. You'll only get the hang of it through firsthand experience.
And: 'baby' is a mere blip on the developmental path--that brief stage of a few months is the 'easy', honeymoon part. Trust me: by the time you've gotten the hang of 'baby', they'll be a toddler. When you've learned to handle a toddler--they turn four and ohmygod. You don't have a 'baby'--you have an ever-changing, ever-developing human.
https://shop.aap.org/caring-for-your-baby-and-young-child-pa...
Beyond that:
You and your co-parent need to watch out for your own and each other’s physical and mental health. It’s easy to lose track of.
Talk to your baby, as much as possible.
Everything will change when you least expect it. Be flexible.
Honestly, forget the manual. Get help with either taking care of the baby or with household stuff. Get family to come, pay somebody, whatever. If you aren't comfortable with paid help to take care of the baby, pay somebody to clean and cook. Having healthy home meals ready is going to save you a lot of misery.
Babies are actually pretty easy from a task perspective. Sleep, eat, poop, diaper changes, playtime, tummytime, etc. What takes the toll is how many times you have to do this stuff combined with sleep deprivation.
Get help and emotional support. That will do much more for you, your relationship with your partner, and your ability to be a parent than any manual can do.
Also a note on pediatricians. A lot of pediatricians are fairly easy going in that if the baby has no major symptoms (e.g. no fever, no vomiting) is gaining weight, there is nothing to worry about. This is actually a good way to look at things, but it's definitely hard not get frustrated with this easy-going approach when you have this little person in your arms and you're totally overwhelmed.
Good sleep, makes for more good sleep when it comes to babies. If a baby sleeps well at night, they'll often go down for a nap really well.
Bad sleep, makes for less sleep and a cranky baby. If a baby goes to bed late, they'll often have trouble falling asleep / aren't likely to 'sleep in.'
You and I if we stay up late at night we can sleep in and recover that time. Babies generally do not work that way. Once they get behind on sleep they'll wake up bright and early the next day or even shockingly wake up in the middle of the night even though they're tired. ... won't be able to go back to sleep.
Skipping naps or staying up late are terrible ideas, the baby won't likely sleep later when you need them to.
Find a routine, that might involve singing, a bath, etc all before bed / nap time and stick with it.
Now having said that, that isn't a recipe for a great sleeping baby (that's more luck than anything IMO) but it will generally make things easier.
I didn't read the books, and muddled my way through. Sure there were some things I learnt slower (like the benefit of routine) but overall I had a lot less anxiety about milestones or stages or all that stuff. Stormy days??! yeah ok whatever.
My main advise (for the first year at least) would be to listen to all advise, then throw out pretty much any "plan" and live 100% in response mode. Respond to what's going on hour to hour, don't get hung up about sleeping in the middle of the day or having breakfast at 4am, just do what feels right at that moment.
Also, when your friends ask what they can get for the baby etc ... HelloFresh, Deliveroo, or come round to my house and do the laundry while I sleep. You will not be short of baby clothes, but you will be short of energy to do some basics stuff.
* What to Expect the First Year - It was pretty logical and scientific but don't think everything in it has references.
* Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst - Not really a book about babies but I got interested in human behaviour and this book helped me understand a lot of things that babies and adults do.
* The Happiest Toddler on the Block - Again I thought it was very scientific, good ideas on discipline. I think it introduced idea of using emotions to communicate with toddlers instead of logic. I still find myself using logical arguments with my 2.5 years old, hard habit to break.
* Brain Rules for Baby - Really enjoyed it. All suggestions in it seems to be backed by research. The main idea in this book is that one should provide their kids a happy, relaxed home. Stress and anxiety at young age can stun kids' brain development.
There is, however - a manual for building your baby registry. I just launched it. https://poppylist.com.
It's not what you're asking for, but I can at least help simplify one area for you.
I'd wish you luck, but you won't need it.
My daughter just turned one in May - welcome to the best club on earth.
I don't know. I'm not a baby scientist.
Long story short, there are potentially billions and billions of data points out there, and surely some sort of meta-analysis could surface some best practices for how to raise a child. It can't just be "reinvent the wheel" every generation. That's just bonkers to me.
Given all the other scientific advances we've made in the last few centuries, I sort of wonder why nobody has an IKEA-style guide to raising a child.
I say this all a bit tongue-in-cheek, since I'm not a parent, but as a person of science and a fan of data-driven decisions... The way Americans like me raise a child is basically "figure it out for yourself with a few anecdotes from your family and friends and maybe you read a bunch of books full of conflicting advice and don't worry at least if you're trying you're ahead of most people" just strikes me as... well... not very scientific or data-driven!
Anyway. Congratulations! I wish you the best of luck, and who knows?! Maybe you'll be the one to write The Book!
There's a section on typical days that really helped us orient our days. We also found that by following this schedule our baby started sleeping from 9:00 pm - 5:00 am at around 7 weeks. And by 12 weeks the baby was sleeping from 7:30 - 6:30. Other friends have seen similar sleep patterns.
I got one baby manual as a gift : https://www.amazon.fr/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-Troubl...
It has some funny moments but it's only the basics. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but your country may do things a bit differently.
The good news is that you don't need to "fix" or "maintain" a baby. They need their basic needs met, they need to feel safe and they need love. Do that for a year and then you get a toddler.
The 'what to expect ... ' series is great techie style. Plain spoken. Explains limits on both sides...
They have one for before the baby.
And another for the first few years. Common problem, my child is age x months but has not started walking / talking.
Great for the calming the nerves
When I was expecting my first child, I reviewed all the parents I knew of, and picked the family that I thought was doing the best job, then interviewed them and wrote down notes and that became the plan.
My four month old wanted me to hold her up at the door to the kitchen so she could watch mom cook dinner. She cried and cried and cried until I figured that out. Then she was silent. Good luck.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Babies-Haynes-Explains-Owners-Works...
I've been casually reading this and it seems pretty good and covers a variety of topics.
I also did co-sleeping, which means I actually was able to sleep, but doctors in my country seem to be all against it since that's the current common practice. Read all of https://cosleeping.nd.edu/ .
My wife also read a lot on breastfeeding. There's a lot of science behind 'how to successfully breastfeed' and there's a huge chance all the advice your elders are going to give you is completely wrong. Read what modern science has to tell you about breastfeeding, ignore grandmas as much as possible! This stuff should be taught in schools.
The tl;dr of my manual would be like something:
- be in contact with the baby (preferably in mom's or dad's hands) as much as possible
- when they cry, give the breast first, ask questions later
Edit: learn that modern society's expectations that both parents work really sucks when there's a baby in the way. Mom going back to work when baby is 4-6m is not good for the baby. If you can financially afford to not to it, you should. If you can have one of the grandmas do the babysitting is alleviates the problem a little.
https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-Troub...
Is it the best? No, but it's not just a joke either. Lots of simple things, covered in a lighthearted 'like a car manual' kind of way.
With a newborn, sleep is your challenge. We discovered my wife needs 8 hours, but can be interrupted. I need 5 and CANNOT be interrupted. So I handled things until 12:30am and then Mom took over until 6-ish.
And on that note, during the first few months, if one getting out of bed wakes the other, consider the couch or a guest bed. You do not want to let notions about marital sleeping together turn into being sleep-deprived and hostile toward each other.
If breastfeeding doesn't 'take' right away, get on the phone and have a lactation aid come help. Every kid/nipple situation is different. Trying to figure it out on your own, while sleep deprived (see above) is maddeningly difficult. Hire a guide to get it sorted.
Bear in mind, some kids are slow feeders, so that 4-hour feeding interval might be closer to 3 hours.
As the kid gets older I found it's best to not ask the open-ended "what do you want to do?" Because that leads to tears when the impossible can't happen. Rather have 3-4 plans YOU want to see happen and present it like THEY get to choose. You help them learn agency without setting the situation up for failure.
And it's not until they're about 2.5 years old that they won't accidentally kill themselves. It's up to you to make sure they don't walk into traffic/off ledges, eat/drink something bad, pull furniture/stove pots over on themselves, etc. But at about 2.5 they start to realize they've got some skin in the game and start exercising a little care. I emphasize START, you're still on duty to keep an eye on them.
I was fortunate to be able to handle being Dad at home. It was fascinating witnessing the bias. As in, when we were out and about, people (often women) assuming that it was just a single "Day out with Dad"... oh no, dearie, EVERYDAY was Dad day. And during kiddie gym/exercise/music classes it wasn't until they realized I clearly knew more about strollers/diapers/formula than they did that mothers started to come around.
Pro-tip, babies don't understand words. They do understand emotions. It seems obvious, but yelling at them or telling them not to do something in a drawn-out sentences is as useless as yelling at the goldfish.
Help them, guide them, let them see you as someone they can trust and that loves them. Don't set them up to see you as angry/stressed/disinterested.